Miscarriage is a horrible thing
Per definition a miscarriage is the loss of a baby before 20 weeks pregnant. It usually happens very early into the pregnancy.
8 out of 10 miscarriages happen within the first 3 months of pregnancy. About 10-20% of all pregnancies end in a miscarriage.
If you are a mom that had to go trough this experience this letter is for you.
Written by a mom that had to go trough it all.
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To the mother who just lost her baby,
No one, no matter how many times they try, can apologize enough for the loss you have experienced.
I know the feeling you are having right now. The one that feels as though your whole world is crashing in on you.
I want to let you know that I have been there as well. Just as many women have. We are all here for you.
Though we may be separated by thousands of miles and not know each other, we know each other in a very special way. The bond that we share is unlike any other. We are part of the statistic.
We are 1 in 4.
I want you to know that, while your experience makes up a part of a statistic, your experience cannot be chalked up to just that.
Many people you know may not know how to react to the news of your loss.
You may hear the words “just a miscarriage” as those around you try to process and move on.
You and I both know that this isn’t true. It isn’t “just a miscarriage”.
This was a baby. It cannot be brushed off as a mishap by nature. This was your baby. They were a part of you.
While others may try and compress and erase the experience, this is an experience that happened to you.
It isn’t “just a miscarriage”.
It is the loss of a dream, the anticipation to hold your baby, the whole future planned out as soon as you find out you were expecting.
What others also don’t recognize is that miscarriage is also painful. It can impact more than just the woman experiencing it. Miscarriage can be hard on a marriage as it puts strain on the strongest parts of a marriage. It can be hard on an entire family.
Miscarriage is one of the greatest sources of guilt.
Though each and every woman who experiences a miscarriage truly knows this isn’t the case, we convince ourselves there was more we should have done.
Finally, what others don’t know, is that the experience of miscarriage never fades away.
Things will, and do, get better. Sometime in the future, you won’t find yourself crying for the loss of your little one anymore.
You won’t find yourself steaming over in jealousy and anger when another woman announces her pregnancy. Instead, you will be happy for her.
And on one magical day, you will be able to forgive yourself and stop blaming yourself for the loss of your baby.
In the meantime, it is okay that you aren’t there yet. You are allowed to grieve this loss. It isn’t mandatory that you sweep it under the rug like everyone appears to be doing.
While you do not need it, you have permission to feel all of the things that you are feeling right now.
Every emotion that flows through your body. It is rightfully felt.
I implore you, however, to try the following:
Know that you are not alone
You are now, as much as you hate to be, part of a large community. This community is ready and more than willing to support you during this time in ways that others simply can’t.
It can be difficult to open up to others about your experience. This is especially true when you do not know them.
Though, in time, it can also be healing. And while you don’t know them, they certainly know you and what you are going through.
Focus your attention elsewhere
Try as you might to focus on anything other than your experience, you cannot. I understand.
It is important to continue trying to redirect your mind though and allow it a break. It can be absolutely anything. Gardening, journaling, exercising. Find something that grants you a moment of piece in this time.
Know that this wasn’t your fault
As many times as I or anyone will say it, you will still feel the guilt that comes with miscarriage. Though, as time goes on, you will understand that this wasn’t your fault.
There are numerous reasons that miscarriages occur. Most of the time, miscarriages happen due to a chromosomal abnormality.
This still doesn’t prevent the feeling that you could have done more. I know that.
Soon though, I hope, you will put less blame on yourself.
Don’t erase their memory
Your baby will always have a place in your heart. If this was your first, they are the first baby to make you a mother.
While others, due to no fault of their own, move past the experience. Don’t.
Move on from the doubt and guilt that comes with miscarriage but do not forget the memory of your baby. Honor your baby instead.
There are numerous ways families decide to honor their little ones.
Whether that is a piece of jewelry or an annual balloon release in honor of the life they did have. Whatever way speaks to you in honoring your baby is the perfect way to continue the memory of them.
Mama, if you are going through the loss of your baby, I want you to know how deeply sorry I am.
There are absolutely no words that anyone can say to you to make your experience better or less painful.
Just know, that in time, it will get better and that you are never alone through this journey.
About the Author
Cameryn Vonbargen is a full-time student and stay-at-home mother who runs her blog Multitasking Motherhood. She has her degree in psychology and will soon have a second degree in nursing. She has a passion for writing about mental health, pregnancy, parenting, and marriage to help other moms with experiences similar to her own.
She hopes to add a real take on issues that aren’t talked about openly or deeply enough concerning the roles women assume in the journey to motherhood and marriage.